TO: Pat Burrell FROM: TBOH RE: Temper Tantrum

Dear Pat,

When I was in 8th grade, my parents took me down to Clearwater for Spring Training.  I spent three of my dollars on a baseball with a Phillies logo on it, for the sole purpose of wrangling some autographs out of you guys.  That was a banner year for the Phillies, too; such perennial fan favorites like Alex Arias and Ron Gant were populating the roster, as well as a plethora of signatures that about a decade later, I cannot recognize.

My grandfather was checking out the names I had managed to get and nodded in approval of one in particular.

“Pat Burrell,” he said.  “That’s the one I wanted to be sure you got.  He’s gonna have a great career.”

Well, here we are, Patrick.  Its 2010 and your “great career” in Philadelphia was like watching a man in a sealed room choke to death on noxious fumes; all poundin’ on the glass, eyes bulgin’ out, the sound proof windows denying your any chance for attention.

No one’s saying you didn’t live up to your potential.  Just kidding; everyone was saying that, and for a very long time.  And they were right.  Because you weren’t a baseball player, Pat.  You were a clown prince, a meatheaded, tit-seeking missile, unafraid to expose the city of Philadelphia to your intrusive genitals.   I went to high school with a class that was half Pat Burrells, and I would have been disgusted to have to watch any of them get a shot in the bigs and completely fuck themselves by refusing to give up collegiate antics in exchange for any means of self-discipline.

But hey, why try to help your team get better by, I don’t know, learning to play defense, when there’s SO MUCH PUSSY TO BE HAD BRAH RIGHTEOUS.

We think its so neat that the Giants gave you a shot and you’ve actually come through for them on multiple occasions.  Hell, its quite possible that they wouldn’t be here without you.

But boy, this tough guy thing you’re trying really isn’t working out, and honestly, you’re just dicking yourself.  Repeatedly.  Nobody is under the delusion that the city of Philadelphia not liking you is a real threat of some kind.  You’re not wearing a Phillies uniform.  Eventually, we were going to hate you.  But knowing what we know about you, that you’re a hard worker, with a clutch bat 1/10 of the time and a tendency to gravitate toward much younger girls makes you about as intimidating as a child rapist two seconds after Chris Hansen appears.

Trying to intimidate Roy Halladay is barking up the wrong tree.  Actually, it’s like barking at a brick wall, and the brick wall has the ability to stare back at you with the distressing gaze of a frozen abyss, the chilled souls of a million years of humanity’s faults dampening the air.  You try to breathe inwardly, but the jagged punch the frigid oxygen slams into your innards puts you in a state of shock.

Secondly, like I said, we’re so happy for you, Pat.  It’s like watching that kid in high school all the teachers muttered about in the faculty lounge finally make the tiniest bit of something of himself, and just when everyone is on the verge of being proud, he clutches that morsel of success and just tries to ride it into the pants of the first available twentysomething who doesn’t immediately walk away when he demands to see her tits.

You were good, sometimes, and we loved you for it.  But you were an asshole, too, most of the time.  But you were our asshole.  Now you’re their asshole.  Which is to say, just an asshole.

Shrieking at Roy Halladay because he terrifies you isn’t making your dignity grow back.  Save the rage for where it belongs:  The bedroom.

Hugs and kisses,


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Tags: Giants Jock Itch Nlcs Pat Burrell Phillies Playoffs Post Season Roy Halladay Syphilis

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  • PhillyRules

    I’m from Philly and that post was pretty stupid. In case you are interested in facts, Pat has been applauded upon intro at Citizens Bank everytime he has returned. I am pretty sure we still like him. Once the first pitch is thrown, sure the boos come but that is just business and nothing personal. Same thing with Pat yelling at Halladay last night. He was probably just telling him something like he was F’ing lucky with the call trying to get into his head. Nothing personal. Nothing to see her. Move along now. If you don’t get that then you must be a Phillies fan who resides somewhere outside of Philadelphia. As for the young girls, I am jealous too but don’t rant on about it.

  • what?

    This post would almost boast a morsel of relevance/interest/justification if Burrell didn’t rip a double of him and cross the plate later in the game. Moron. What kind of tool talks shit about a veteren, world series hero, in favor of a mercenary starting pitcher who’s been on the team for one year. You are unbelievably lame.

    • Justin Klugh

      “World Series hero”–Boy, your definition of a hero, as a guy who bats .071 with a single hit in the World Series, is impressively liberal.
      “Mercenary pitcher”–By my count, Roy Halladay has played for two teams in his career, and the first one was for 12 years. A mercenary pitcher, in the context you’re using, is somebody who will sell their arm to the highest bidder. Roy spent 12 years toiling with the mediocre Jays, and wanted a chance to contend. I’m pretty sure that makes him unbelievably loyal.

      And who, in an intense NLCS series, sides with a player on the other team against a starting pitcher playing with a pulled groin?

  • PhillyRules

    When he said World Series hero, he was referring to Burrell’s being responsible for the winning run when he clinched the World Series in game 5. Just to refresh your memory, he hit a double late in the seventh inning. Bruntlett then came in for him as a pinch runner and scored the winning run. EVERY Phillies fan knows that. How is it you don’t? He could’ve also be referring to two rounds earlier when Burrell’s 2 HR’s powered the Phillies to a 6-2 win over the Brewers in the deciding game 4 of that series. How is it you don’t know any of that???? Did you even follow the Phillies back in 2008?

    As for your links, I couldn’t waste my time clicking on them. I don’t need to. I GO to the games so I know who gets cheered and who gets booed. I will be there tomorrow 4 rows from Cody Ross in the outfield where I will be trying to heckle him to death. Have you ever even been to Citizens Bank Park? How about The Vet?? To clear up your confusion, I am not talking about where you take your poodle when he gets sick. I am talking about the stadium where I used to go to watch the Phillies before they got a new stadiums and later won a World Series. Anyone who doesn’t know about Burrell’s play clinching the winning runs in TWO playoff series in 2008 can’t possibly be any more than a bandwagon fan. I mean, I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt but, how can a real Phillies fan not remember the freaking 2008 PLAYOFFS??!?!?

    • Justin Klugh

      Ha ha, I don’t know what to tell you, man. I am genuinely astounded at your intense defense of Burrell. I appreciated him in ’08, but those days are gone. Are you guys related or something? You do realize he plays for the other team in this scenario, right? And he called out our ailing pitcher on the field? He can be as clutch as he wants in ’08, it doesn’t change the fact that he has made himself entirely boo-able. And he was not nearly as adored in all nine of his years as a Phillie than he was in that one moment of heroism.

      I feel obligated to refute your bandwagon claims, but what’s the point? This is the internet. You can come back with another ?!-laden response of game summaries, claiming I don’t know anything.

      Nice Phillies street cred! The Vet? What is that? Gosh, I was under the impression the Phils have played in the Bank for all 500 years of their existence, since back when Babe Ruth was their manager.

      Good one with the poodle thing, though. Made me laugh.

  • doesn’t matter

    jeez. what a bunch of dicks. this guy posts some of the funniest ficticious phils “news” damn near daily and you stumble across one entry (it’s obvious you’re not regular readers of TBOH) and tear it apart cause you don’t understand it. fucking cavemen is what you are. facts are overrated. facts have been done. if you want to be spoon-fed vanilla sports stories, try the associated press.

    to the writer: i ain’t trying to fight your fights for ya. i just enjoy this blog and don’t want ya discouraged. my motivation is purely selfish.

  • Shane

    Here’s the deal:

    Burrell did his part in 08, for that, I applaud him. He was an integral cog in that team, but not the most important part. Yesterday, Burrell deserved to be booed, period. He came at Doc, trying to fuck with him. Doc smiled, stared, and returned the favor. Then he pitched with a groin strain. His jock strap should be next to Curt’s bloody sock in the HOF. If anyone ever watched the HBO show “The Wire” they’ll know a quote from Omar: “When you come at the king, you best not miss.” Burrell missed. His double ultimately meant nothing.

    Just because he played for the Phillies doesn’t give him immunity. This isn’t survivor and I don’t see Jeff Probst anywhere. Straight up, Burrell is kind of a tool off the field. Yesterday, he was a tool on the field. Weird how that works out, right?

    Oh, also, were Philadelphia fans. We talk shit to anyone INCLUDING OUR OWN PLAYERS. I didn’t realize the Pat the Bat Legal Defense fund was up and running. Will there be a claim for libel next? And, FYI, all of the other Phillies blogs are harping on the same topic.

    Finally, to the dude above me before you make allegations against someone, at least know the facts. Justin has been to the games read the “about me” section of the blog, or whatever it’s called and you would know. Don’t just rant your pathetic comments without support. You guys love Pat Burrell. It’s ok, hug it out, bitches. Then man up and shut up.

    And before you call out me, yeah I’ve been to the Bank and I’ve been to the Vet. I was there in ’93 at game 5 of the WS. I was 7 and it’s probably one of the three top memories I have. Shilling’s shut out. Best sports event I ever saw live, and I have pictures to prove it. Been a Phan since I was born.

    So thanks for sharing your opinions, but they were poorly supported and largely irrelevant. Let’s remember that we’re all Phllies fans here. That always has been and always should be the bottom line.

  • PhillyRules

    When Burrell gets introduced, I will politely clap but when he comes to the plate, I am going to boo the hell out of him. That’s the way it is. Thanks for the Series but now to business and you are on the other team.

    As for Doc taking offense, what are you talking about Beavis?!? He said in numerous interviews that he took no offense and it was just a heat of the moment thing and they are both competitive. If these were two hockey players they would’ve gotten some beers after the game. Doc is a warrior, he isn’t some wussy whose all like, “Pat Burrell cursed me out and I’m soooooooooooo offended. Boo hoo! He hurt my feelings.” It was no big deal to either guy.

    Why do I defend Burrell so much? Even when he was playing bad at times, and I confess I did boo him too during that, he was always great to the fans. I was at one game sitting behind him in left field where he was not only getting booed mercilessly but people were taking all kinds of really overboard personal shots at him. He was actually even playing well that day but they were getting blown out. So anyhow, after all this, the seventh or eighth inning comes around and he is throwing the ball back and forth with the other outfielders during the switch. Usually after that, the outfielder will throw the ball to someone in the crowd. They were losing this game so bad that the only people left were the ones heckling him and now they were begging for him to throw the baseball to them. So I am thinking, they have to be out of their minds if they think he is going to throw them the baseball after all that abuse. To my shock, he then threw them the baseball anyway. So as I’m telling my girl that he is bigger man than I am for doing that, THEY THREW THE BALL BACK ON THE FIELD!!! I couldn’t believe it. Yet after all that abuse over the years, he took a full page advertisement out in the Daily News thanking the fans for all their support over the years when left the team. It wasn’t until the World Series run in 2008 that the fans learned to appreciate him and they have shown it everytime he has come back. At least until he steps to the plate when we let him know he is still on the other team now.

    So it kind of tweaks me that some guy who can’t even remember or didn’t watch he 2008 playoff run portrays himself as the spokesperson for the City of Philadelphia in his hatred for Burrell. You don’t speak for the city, it doesn’t hate Burrell, and if you don’t remember the 2008 playoffs then I doubt you even live here. Maybe I’m wrong about that. Maybe you do live here. Just pleeeeeeaaasseeeeee explain to me how you don’t remember two series clinching performances during the 2008 playoffs?? How does that happen??? Unless you can explain that, you have no credibility as a Phillies fan. So please, PLEASE explain that. I am just DYING to hear.

    • Justin Klugh

      Did that post end with “the city of Philadelphia”? No… it ended with the name of this blog, which means the portrayal was of… this blog.

      Anyways, you are the only one who has suggested that I don’t remember the 2008 playoffs. At no point has that been labeled rock solid information. If I was the kind of person who didn’t even care enough to recall this team’s playoff run in which they won the WS, what the hell interest would I have in writing a PHILLIES BLOG first place?

      Shane covered my position on the matter pretty precisely. Of course I remember it. But I feel ridiculous having to defend myself to you because your argument is utter horse shit. “You don’t like Pat?! Well, clearly you didn’t watch any playoffs in 2008. Your honor, the defense rests.”

      I remember Pat. I remember what he did in 2008. I remember his contributions. I remember his persona, how people treated him, and his seemingly eternal slumps. I remember the campaign to get him an All-Star spot (which even with a couple of fans working around the clock to vote him in he did not get) I remember his inability to play defense most of the time.

      And I remember him shouting at Doc. Which now feels like much more of a big deal than it needs to be because you keep feeling the need to back Burrell up. Great! Good for you. I admire your loyalty. However, I get offended when it’s the playoffs, we’ve got our backs against the wall, and now Burrell’s barking at our ace, wounded pitcher.

      Well, he did something awesome for us two years ago, so its cool? No.

      You think it buys him a free pass to do whatever he wants, we don’t.

      And here comes the cliche–you’re entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree with it, but keep in mind, you’re also just “some guy” who wandered over to this blog for some reason and started taking everything you read as the most serious shit ever. Has it occurred to you that other people may not think ’08 and last night balance out? You could easily argue they do–’08 was a World Series run, after all, and this year isn’t quite there yet.

      But Burrell’s latest escapades are happening NOW, in the PRESENT, and they are NOT helping us, they are spitting in our face. I want to be able to say we won in 2010, that we didn’t back down when the Giants were up 3 games and when Pat Burrell started getting snarky.

      Do you not understand how his actions would motivate and infuriate people against him, even if at one point in our history, he was a hero?

  • Shane

    I don’t need to explain my fanhood to you. I already told you not to challenge it. I watched every pitch of the 08 playoffs. Phil won the series on my birthday. I drove back 6 hrs from college and missed class for the parade. Stop challenging my fanhood. No one has challenged yours. If this was political, you’d be accused of ducking the FACTS.

    I never said Doc “took” offense and I never implied it, either. I said Burrell messed with Doc and Doc messed back. I doubt Doc would take offense to anything, actually.

    It’s admirable that you defend Burrell for his contributions. That’s your prerogative. When a player leaves a team and goes somewhere else, he will be hated by a majority of fans. Terrell Owens, anyone? The guy came back from a terrible injury and gave his all in a Super Bowl for us. Now? He might be Top 10 most hated athletes in Pilly. Ever hear of Lebron James? I wonder if he’d show his face in Cleveland. But that’s real hate. The hate that Burrell is faced with is: “Wow, that guy’s an SOB. Let’s boo and make fun of him for our amusement.” When you realize that, I think the true purpose of this blog will gradually settle over you.

  • Peasant

    Fact: In 9 years with the Phillies Pat Burrell batted over .280 twice, and under .260 7 times.

    I’m not going to sit here and say Roy Halladay is 10x cooler than Pat the Bat. You make that judgement yourself. But if you call yourself a Phillies fan, and you don’t see the beautiful contrast between our newest member and one of our most recent departed, you have a sick mind my friend. Or you also had sex with him.

    Question: Do you really like Pat the Bat more than Roy Fricken Halladay?

    if your answer is yes to this question, i don’t think you’ve watched the way this guy plays the game. sure, Pat the Bat plays with passion and can be “clutch”. aka 1 hit in a world series that your team leads 3 games to 1. Lets face it, that wasn’t exactly the last at-bat of the season for the Phils. Doc is on a different level brother. That’s the point of this post.

    Doc is Icy Freezing Death and Pat Burrel is warm beer.
    Dig? Nah? That’s cool, I can agree to disagree with your existance. That’s what the internet is for. Now go try desperately for a life.


  • Jack

    Great to have Pat back home in the Bay Area, he’s been a real shot in the arm for the Giants and their fans. You Phails fans could have used him in the NLCS, being “loaded” with invisible bats, LOL. Good luck trying to get a wild card in 2011, it’s going to be a slow slide back to the basement.

    • Okay

      Rangers in 5