Look, I know yesterday was a tough one to swallow, but there’s no reason to lump it in with the most horrifying news stories of the day. Its just plain lazy to try and cram all the day’s news into a single headline. In high school, that shoddy mark of journalism got me kicked off the newspaper staff (“Football Team Loses, Marching Band Run Over by Vice Principal, Honor Students Cheat on Blind Teacher, Spring Formal Theme: “Our God is an Awesome God.”)
Send your kids to Catholic school, parents, and they’ll grow up to be a baseball blogger you’ve never heard of.
We may be behind in the NLCS, but thanks to the Delaware Valley SPCA, we have totally caught up with San Francisco in the vein of “selling cats.” Only these cats are different, because they’ve got the fever!
Now, before you jump up on your computer chair and begin shrieking incoherently and pointing at your monitor (Might want to tone it down regardless, you need this job. Catholic school ain’t cheap), when I say “fever,” I don’t mean that the SPCA is harvesting an army of biological cat-soldiers, bred to smear disease all over the Bay Area.
No, by “fever,” I mean “phever,” in one of those phonics tricks that’s fun for the whole family, indicative of the Phillies’ involvement, and free of dying cats.
And BOY if you thought that San Francisco cat thing was bad, wait until you hear the heartless deals doing at THIS cat sale: Each shade of kitty is assigned a Phillies player, and their price automatically becomes the number that the player wears. Therefore, you’re going to see a lot more Jimmy Rollins cats ($11!) than Roy Oswalt cats ($44!).
Also Chooch was assigned to “all kittens.” I don’t know why that makes sense, but it totally does.
So, what does this mean? Is there a coordinated attack forming in tandem with the SF cat-fueled doomday scenario I painted I earlier? It’s possible. I certainly don’t feel safe anymore. Though it is fair to say that a person who suggests the idea of a “…an army of biological cat-soldiers” probably doesn’t feel safe until his prescription’s been refilled.
Of course, cats could be the least of your problems. Some people didn’t even see the game yesterday, thanks to News Corp continuing to slap its dick on the side of the Cablevision building. Quick rundown: News Corp, owner of Fox, wants $150 million instead of $70 million for Cablevision to show the NLCS. Cablevision responded with a rational chorus of “Hell no,” and now thousands of people in Jersey and PA aren’t getting their Phil (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE).
Anyway, because of that really mature and necessary problem, we get this. Yes, the FCC has taken it upon themselves to live tweet the game’s progress on their own Twitter account for the sake of those who’ve had their eyes plucked out by Fox.
So I guess… thanks… FCC? No, that can’t be right.