The stiffly-haired lady on Sports Center just told me the umpires and players are meeting this winter to discuss their relationship.
“Hey. Do you have some time to talk?” players asked after rigidly dialing the phone.
“Uh… sure,” umpires stated, a small quiver in the back of their voice. ”What’s this… all about?”
“I really think we should do this in person,” players replied.
Umpires slammed the phone down and ran bawling into their mothers’ bedroom, where they sobbed the night away into their pillow and threw the heart-shaped picture frame of them and players together three years go at the All-Star Game.
“IT WAS ALL A LIE,” umpires screamed. ”THAT ASSHOLE.”
Look, I don’t want to say I told you so, because technically, I didn’t. All I said was that this post season was sure to expose another critical, mind-blowing umpire error that made everybody pissed.
And hey, it’s been like two days and there’s already been three. So I guess I was wrong–me, a guy who is more overly critical, immature, and poop-mouthed at umpires than any 4-year-old–when I assumed umpires would be pretty incompetent on one big play. They were even worse.
And these games are only going to get more and more important. Not only do we have to sit there in a puddle of our own bloody tension (I should really contact a physician) as our team collides with another playoff-caliber team to decide whose dreams will be crushed, but we have to beat the umpires, too.
Quick sidebar, when I think about the “relationship” between players and umpires, I see no better example than the Scott Barry-Ryan Howard debacle from earlier this year. Not only was Barry disturbingly wrong, he then openly mocked a player.
See, this is what happens when you watch Cobra before coming out onto the field and get all worked up and feel like you can take on anybody because Stallone kills a metric ton of henchmen in one two-minute machine gun/motorcycle sequence in that movie. Barry was clearly just a lost kid who was given unimaginable power, didn’t know what to do with it, and shit the bed so hard he fractured the box spring.
So, meet away, umpires. You’ve got plenty to discuss.
Just don’t think that means you get to rip this post season in half with shitty calls. Again.
Oh, also, no-hitters against the top offensive team in the league in a playoff debut is not as impressive as a 2-hit CG shut-out against the Braves. Thanks for clearing that up, New York Times.