Colin Cowherd Weighs in on Cabrera Comment; is Dumb

Well folks, obviously you were waiting to hear Colin Cowherd’s undoubtedly brainless take on this invisible topic, so get your bats out and let’s just this beat this poor horse until his family won’t even recognize him.

"“Curt Schilling told me in May that Halladay and umpire John Hirschbeck have always gotten along.  Roy Halladay throws strikes, works quickly and umpires are human, they want to get out of there. Refs have certain styles. It works better with certain guys and John Hirschbeck works well with Halladay.”"

Uh huh.

So Roy Halladay’s no-hitter happened because John Hirschbeck and he don’t detest each other and Hirschbeck was all, “The 10:40 showing of The Social Network is the only one not sold out, and I’ve been a fiend for Jesse Eisenberg since Adventureland so everything’s a strike!”

Solid theory from a solid sports guy.  I mean, come on, the guy hosts the most popular sports/voting show for 21-45 year old males who are home sick and 8-14 year old kids who are attracted to simultaneous colors and sounds so, yeah.

I’m sorry, does Cowherd think that umpires are “refs” or was he making a comparison to other sports that have nothing to do with the 2010 National League Division Series?

Why is it that only ignorant, universally despised balls of shit seem to want to taint Roy’s no-hitter?  Oh.  Right.  Because they are that.

But what of Placido Polanco?!

Sources have yet to confirm, but apparently Polly was running from first to third in order to test out that back of his.  He would’ve done great if a comically oversized banana peel hadn’t been left in the base path.  After flipping six feet into the air and landing on his spine, the Phanatic motored through on his ATV and squashed a handful of his vertebrate.  Then the grounds crew accidentally sprayed him with a hose for 45 minutes.  All of this happened while Benny Hill music played over the loud speakers and the ball girls did a conga line over his writhing body.

"“No, I’m good.”—Placido Polanco."

Polly’s trying to play.

“It doesn’t matter what condition the players are in, because I’m going to throw the game so I can get back to the hotel in time for the last 15 minutes of happy hour at the North Star.  Half off all domestic drafts ’til 7:30!” said John Hirschbeck.