Series Unwatchable for Braves Fans; Literally

Do you like baseball?  Do you live in the Atlanta region?  Do you intend to watch the reinvigorated, riotous Phillies-Braves rivalry over the last three games of the season?  Do you want to see Bobby Cox’s farewell to the regular season at The Ted, against a team that has stolen what was rightfully yours for the majority of the 2010 season?  Well, FOX has a special message for you:

Fuck yourself!

FOX has kicked down the door of the DISH network and demanded a 50% rate increase to air the games and other programming.  DISH was like, “… uh, no.”

The result is… not that bad, really, when you consider the game will still actually air on a local FOX affiliate.  But if you’re a DISH network customer, allow FOX to direct your attention to the previous exclamatory remark.  Non-DISH customers will get the warblous tones of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver all to themselves, sucker.

Wait now I don’t know which side I’m defending.

But whatever, because for the 20 seconds that the bartender mistakenly put on the Phillies-Braves game last night, I saw the score was 7-2, and have decided that the Phillies probably won.  (UPDATE: Wow J-Roll hit a grand slam?  I’m… sorry, the city of Atlanta).

It would be comically inept of the Braves to be unable to clinch playoff berth.  It borders on a kid falling down an escalator or Samuel L. Jackson’s death in Deep Blue Sea… “Oh-ho-ho!  Oh-ho my.  Oh, that’s… that’s terrible.”

I feel like I’ve been careful in my Braves-taunts these past few weeks, so I won’t push it any further.  Which is funny, when you consider the degree to which I spit in the face of Mets fans in 2007.  It really proves what incredulity exists in their respective rivalries.  I sure don’t expect or desire for the Braves to completely crash and burn, but if they’re going to do it anyway… well.  I can’t stop them.

So the press has moved on to much more voraciously critical matters, such as, golly!  What are we going to nickname this franchise? What’s great is that it is the sole portion of their legacy for which the public is in total control.

We can give them whatever name we want and if it sticks, they don’t have a choice but accept it because it will totally make it into the record books.  Maybe it will be the title of the Jayson Stark is already penning that covers the entire time period.

I need to put more thought into nicknames before I start listing them, otherwise we’re just going to get crap on here like “The C-Monsters, because Chase and Chooch and Charlie!”  Which was literally the first thing I thought of because there’s a painting of an old timey ship on the wall in front of me.  Using the same “look around the room” strategy, we would have wound up with gems like “The Toaster Ovens!” or “The Broken Coffee Makers!” or “Oh Shit My Toast Is Burnings!”

Talking Chop… still holding our wins against us.  For shame.

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Tags: Braves Division Jimmy Rollins NL East Phillies Talking Chop Wild Card

  • http://bureaucratist.blogspot.com bureaucratist

    I got back from the bar early last night, just in time to hear J-Roll hit the granny. I don’t know why, since it’s essentially meaningless for the Phillies, but it counts as one of the great baseball moments of my life. Grind those fuckers into the ground!

  • Shane

    Wow. As of this writing, the Phils are up 7-0 against the Choppers. I realize now that Braves fans must feel as though they are on the Titanic and the Phils are the iceberg. The big ship is going down ever so slowly and Bobby Cox is at the helm. Add to that the fact that the Fathers won out west against San Fran today and the wild card race is all tied up! Get the life boats ready, Bobby. Women and children first. I don’t want to gloat but the only thing that would make this better is if it was the Mets!

  • http://www.tango-echo.com Justin Klugh

    This series is way more fun if you imagine the Braves in Mets uniforms, and that the Mets, instead of for some reason wearing Braves uniforms, are lost in a haunted forest.