Phillies Don’t Blow Already-Clinched Division with Loss

Mike Sweeney demanded hugs the other day, and when he did not get them, he walked around the locker room and individually questioned each Phillie as to why they weren’t currently wrapping their arms around a Military veteran.  Evetnually, 11 agreed to go to the hospital in D.C. to visit veterans of the Iraq War.

“I’m sure as hell not going,” Luis Castillo reminded everyone.  “But of course in this case it is because I play for a different team, not just because I think hospitals are icky.”

“Wow, way to insert a pointless jab referencing a story that’s already been beaten into the ground from a few weeks ago,” replied my better judgement.

SORT OF PRO-METS SIDEBAR: (Not that I’m defending the Mets, but all but three of them went on that infamous hospital visit and the country was in an uproar.  Less than half the Phillies’ went and they were basically congratulated.  Not that I know anything, but is the answer just, “Because double standards exist”?  Also, why would anyone want to see the Mets after coming back from a war?)

Nationals 2, Phillies 1

I imagine the Phillies all standing outside Nationals Park with their arms around each other, waving collectively, as Placido Polanco drives away.

“Bye, Polly!  Good luck!” they yell as Charlie Manuel smacks Greg Dobbs upside the head for horsing around and also just because he’s always looking for a reason to do that.

Placido took off because playing a terrible team after the division title is already secured is the perfect time for starters to go get medicine put inside them that will make them even better.

Of course, Roy Oswalt and the Not Ready for Prime Time Phillies wound up losing to Adam Dunn and his thunderous walkoff home run off Jose Contreras.  Contreras hung that fastball like a kid looking for a spot on the Christmas tree, but Dunn tickled the Nationals faithful, who may have just been Phillies fans that switched hats because we’re so fair weather you know.

It was particularly thrilling because Dunn may have warped his last baseball in a Nats’ uniform before being signed by a team with more going for it than “Stephen Strasburg, as soon as modern science will allow.”

I think I remember reading on a Nationals site that Phillies fans should “suck Dunn’s walkoff,” a derogatory remark so miscued it actually may need to be addressed.

Is this how you have been taunting sports teams your whole life, sir?  Please seek attention.  It would go against my better instincts as a Phillies blogger (Instincts include “insult, poop jokes, repeat”) if I didn’t say that you could have included genitalia or just mindless obscenities at either end of your blistering skewer and made much, much more sense.

Besides, anybody who can suck on a baseball is clearly a stripper named “Aquafina” in a sports-themed club who was hired solely for the diameter of her mouth.

But, like I said–and everyone predicted–the Phillies didn’t really consider this one a back-breaker, and a lot of unfamiliar faces saw some playing time, prompting this text message in the fifth inning:

"“Ha…Bocock.  Hahaha.  Cock.”"

“Cock,” of course being “… a bracketlike plate holding bearings, supported at one end only,” which is like, fucking ridiculous.  One end?  Are you stupid?  Ha!  Ha ha!

Phillies baseball: A source of endless horology jokes.

Although we did see Jimmy Rollins, who needs all the work he can get at this point (KNOW HOW YOU FEEL BUDDY HA HA COMMISERATING IN A RECESSION IS FUN).  Read all about it in this other article with about 40% of the information you need in the headline alone.

Freaking news interns.

The Phillies don’t play the Nationals again tomorrow, when hopefully nobody will be requested to “suck a walkoff.”

Seriously.  Take a class or something, dude.