Back in the summer of 2010, there was a spry young shortstop playing for the Philadelphia Phillies. His smile and attitude were as contagious as a bus seat infection, but sadly, he was riddled with injuries for a lot of the season. Supposedly, team comment-maker Jimmy Rollins could be back before the end of the year, just in time for Wilson Valdez to be awesome.
Remember that time you got up to get a hot dog in Citizens Bank Park, but then you remembered it wasn’t Dollar Dog Night, and they were just going to be normal, $17 hot dogs? But by the time you’d gotten to the vendor, the crowd had exploded into cheers twice, and when you ran back the second time to see what happened, you slipped on some little kid vomit and fractured your pelvis? And it turns out the cheering was just because the Phanatic was dancing with one of those fake umpires in a Hawaiian shirt?
Well, no more!
For a limited time, that entire experience has been captured and caged in an iPhone app. Seen here, accompanied by the Phillies 2008 infield kicking Rudy Seanez out of a game, this technological development could be the beginning of a concession revolution, as millions of Phillies fans can now–
“…it’s unclear if you’d be allowed to order beer with the app.”
Well that’s just silly. Why would you… that’s not even… what?
The three final home games in question will be against the Mets, starring R.A. Dickey as “Screw that guy.” But then we move on down to Washington, where they will most likely still be reeling from Bryce Harper’s recent radio interview, in which he admitted to being a five-tool douche canoe.
It’s not enough that Nationals fans had to watch Nyjer Morgan blast off into dick-space this year, now they can look to the future and see a whirlwind of post game interviews getting cut short so Bryce Harper can find out the Yankees score.
Why would he choose to define himself, on a D.C. radio show, with teams that rival his new city, and are raucously loathed outside of their own? Why wouldn’t he think, maybe in the second or two before answering, that being drafted by a Major League team was pretty cool, and maybe in return he could play his best, and perhaps show some appreciation by politely lying.
Or at least apologizing… nothing quite as likable as a teenager in war paint rooting for the Lakers.
“Well if he’s that good who cares if he’s likable they can’t all be Jim Thome.”
Yeah, but… it would be better for him to be liked, right? It certainly wouldn’t take away from him, baseball or otherwise, to be liked by the city in which he is going to play. At least make an attempt to appeal to your fans. Am I way off base here?
Fortunately, our current young’ns aren’t going on radio shows and informing us of their more despicable qualities just yet. Jesse Biddle and Aaron Altherr were both selected in the top 20 (#’s 7-8) for the top 100 Gulf Coast League prospects by Baseball America, the end all be all of people-ranking.
I’ll finish with a more tragic tale, as the saga of Red Man takes another meandering, barely newsworthy turn.
I’m not sure if people who run onto fields at baseball games expect to maintain their fame after they are arrested or electrocuted or tripped by Matt Diaz, but for some reason Red Man is sticking around for what feels like longer than most. Here’s a great butt shot of him. I guess his longevity is directly to however long news outlets and dried up blogs give him attention.
So here we go!
“There are consequences for our actions at all times …”
–Red Man’s dad
We’re talking about… Red Man… right? The guy in the red spandex suit? Not a… serial killer.
“…we tell him that it’s wrong to go out there in that fashion.”
–Red Man’s dad
Really, you… told him this exact thing was wrong? Not general, wide spread lessons, like “You’re representing our family when you’re outside this house,” or “Never hit a man with a closed fist.” You really gave him the “Don’t run onto the field at a pro baseball game in a red spandex suit” talk? Wow. So what was the thought process when you saw him leave for the game with the suit tucked under his arm?
Wait a second. This was just a link dump without bullet points.