Cole Hamels Given Least Amount of Offense Needed to Win

It used to be that calling for the bullpen when the Phils were desperate was like a city overrun with crime flashing the bat signal and getting a clown car.

Oh, stop spitting on your monitor.  This isn’t one of those “…but not anymore!” jerkoff pieces that always get posted the night before somebody has a total meltdown, even though Brad Lidge, Ryan Madson, and Chad Durbin didn’t allow runs tonight.

I just wanted to make sure I mentioned the relievers right now because

Cole Hamels 13, Marlins 1

Cole Hamels is Cole Hamels; a shaggy-haired, long faced Californian.  His wife was on “Survivor.”

He is Cole Hamels, the silent killer.  And he will hand you the stomping of your life as his cohorts abandon him.  He was steadfast.  He was locked in.  He was red alert, high hopes, target locked, and it had been 25 innings before another team had the gaul to score on him.

So... fucking... intimidated...

And that all ended up pretty instantly.

Opening the door early has not been the Phillies milieu this lifetime.  This usually means an unstoppable deluge is on its way, courtesy of the opposition catching far, far too quickly to build up any sort of defense against them.  Tonight, when the irrepressible Dan Uggla grounded in a tying run in the bottom of the first inning, it was not exceedingly worrisome, but did allow a wave of unpleasant  filth to swiftly cross the mind.

Then he finished the night with a slew of dead Marlins on his hands, and Cole was dragged off the field by the coaching staff, foaming at the mouth, screaming uncontrollably toward the home dugout, demanding the opportunity to strike out their bat boy “…JUST TO BE SURE THEY KNOW I CAN!!!”

Baseball sure is crazy when you make shit up.

In reality, he went 6 2/3 innings with firing strikeouts and being all but the sole reason the Phillies stepped on the Braves’ face and climbed another game up in the standings.

But hopefully, if Cole has chiseled one thing into his brain this year, it is that when is out there, he is very much alone.  There will be no fluffy mattress of runs to fall back on should he lose his grip.  It is only him and the ball and various degrees of fury with which he will throw it.

No, he has to know.  He’d be a fool not to.  You wouldn’t even have to be a Phillies lifer to recognize through a , 10-second perusal of a stat sheet, that when Cole is on the mound, whatever sorcery needs to be in place to put a cap on Phillies runs is most definitely going to be standing in his way.

There were just  no hits. 11 guys stranded.  Just enough to poop out two runs, and one of those was on a Jayson Werth ground out, an RBI that you will not see on a highlight reel, because the 800 other times he has done that in 2010 there was not a run attached to the end [EDITOR'S NOTE: Every single part of that statistic was fabricated].  Ryan Howard almost had one but then it turned out he just wanted to try to eat Gaby Sanchez.

It is no longer uncommon to watch Cole take on an entire visiting team by himself.  And he took them on for 127 pitches–the most in his career and the highest number I can count to.  Now he gets an off day for his troubles as the series ends tomorrow and Sun Life Stadium remains Phillies-free for the remainder of the year.

The Marlins season is over, but they, like some people, have had time to get things in order for next year.

For awhile it looked like tomorrow’s matchup was going to beRoy Halladay (18-10) vs. Mysterious Silohouette,” which is not the most alarming pitcher’s duel ever conceived (though as a backyard wrestling match, probably wildly entertaining).  Now it says “Jorge Sosa” and almost ruined my “silohouette” joke, but just imagined if I’d been at all timely with this post!  Hilarity.  You’re imagining hilarity right now.

TBOH on Twitter will be with you.  Always.

Image courtesy of The Fightins and Postcards Of The Hanging

Topics: Brad Lidge, Braves, Cole Hamels, Crazy Crab, Marlins, Phillies, Strikeouts

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