Sometimes Offense Happens and It is Nice

God damn it.

Why, why, why, why do I always assume the Ravens defense will be the Ravens defense from 2000?  Why do I think “I need to pick a D/ST and the Ravens were awesome that one time, Sports Center told me.”

Did I pick Ryan Grant for any reason other than that he plays for the Packers?  Didn’t he get hurt already?  Am I a Packers fan just because I was attracted to bright colors as a child?

Three tight ends?  Why the shit did I draft three tight ends?! That doesn’t make any sense.  I may as well have been trapped in a broom closet during the draft.  And then drafted a push mop, because now it would have run for more yards than Ryan Grant.

I remember saying I would be dead in a pit before I ever draft Eli Mann–

Did Greg Dobbs just hit a home run?

Seriously. ELI MANNING. He's like 12 years old.

Phillies 11, Marlins 4

When you look at Greg Dobbs, what do you see?  A roustabout.  A funster.  A regular cut-up.  Whatever he is, he’s an invisible version of the man I keep claiming was at some point the best pinch hitter in baseball, and when people reply, “No way,” “What?!” or “I told you never to come back here,” I am having a harder and harder time defending myself.

Which is why when he does things like hit home runs, I feel like I need to turn to those throngs of doubters and say “You see?! Do you see this?!” even though it is but a grain of sand against the elephantine counterweight  you and I have been witness to for the last decade and a half or however long it’s been since Dobbs did something meaningful.

Sadly, padding an eventual 11-4 victory with a solo home run is not the hand to lift you out of the nightmares.  So get back down there, Dobbs.  Go on.  Go.

*Waits*

Joe Blanton!  I welcome your robust frame and sweaty forehead with open arms.  Watching Big Joe wheel and deal when he manages to is like rolling a bowling ball through a high school marching band that isn’t very good.  He is violent. And he intense.  And he throws that baseball very very hard. To quote what they said about him on Sports Center, “Something something something boo-yah!!! Brought to you by Gillette, because we’re assuming you’re a dude.”

The Phillies played so well tonight they earned themselves an appearance by Brian Bocock, a man who, if he didn’t have the word “cock” in his name, would probably slip by unnoticed.  The noticeable portions of tonight were in the form of Chase Utley gloving a ball to first base like an impossibly swift bulldozer, the offense being there in full force, the Braves also winning of course, and the aforementioned Blanton, Blanton, Blanton.

I’m sorry, but he was everywhere.

But the charming victory, with an extremely fertile offense and a lovingly rip-roaring Blanton, was  bit marred when Shane Victorino chucked his bat at most of the Phillies coaching staff in the fourth inning.  While crouched in the shower later, rocking back and forth with the glazed eyes of the truly lost, Charlie Manuel mumbled…

“Nah, I had that bat all the way, I did. I started to try to catch it, really. I had it. I had it.”

Also Dan Uggla did something apparently.

Topics: Chase Utley, Dan Uggla, Joe Blanton, Marlins, NL East, Phillies, Playoffs

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  • Someone who reads this blog

    This is the best post ever. Seriously, best ever. I believe when the phils win without flirting with disaster you respond with brilliant writing. Random question: where has domonic brown been?