Colespiracy Theory

I just relocated to the west coast, people, so that means, for the bulk of my audience who lives on the East coast (Hi, Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Skip!!) the very instance I think of a blog post, it is already three hours late.  So WORK WITH ME PEOPLE.

Everybody knows that Cole Hamels sucks at pitching.  But those people who pay a little bit of attention know that Cole Hamels is actually a sexy bitch, a legitimate ace, and the only huge chunk of pitching on this team that can carry it 7+ innings of glory who isn’t named “Roy.”

But everyone also knows that Cole gets little to zero backing from his buddies in the lineup.  So many times he has fallen in a 1-0 Waterloo, it has become questionable as to the motives of those who provide such sour support.

Last night, Cole found himself in the throes of yet another one-runned affair, only this time, he emerged as the victor for some reason.  The Phils managed to scrape together a run for him, and, like handing someone a crumpled, bloodstained greeting card three and a half months after their birthday, he cringed, forced a smile, and accepted the paltry excuse they were currently using (“Sorry, I left this in my bathroom and then accidentally bled it on it for awhile.  Happy 54th.”).

Let us not even consider that last night’s run was scored entirely by accident. In fact, the Brewers outfielders who let Shane Victorino’s “God damn it, Shane” fly ball turn into a “GOD DAMN IT–SHANE!!!” extra base hit blamed the noise level of the crowd for their miscue.

So you could say that perhaps we the people were responsible for exposing whatever Shakesperean revenge plot lurks behind the curtain of the Phillies clubhouse.

1.  The Phillies Hate Cole Hamels

Everybody knows (EDITOR’S NOTE: According to this website, “everybody” knows “everything.”) (WRITER’S NOTE: Is it so wrong to assume my readers are of high intelligence?!) (EDITOR’S NOTE: If you want me to start pointing out all of the things that are “wrong” in your posts, we’re going to have to increase the bandwith) (WRITER’S NOTE: FUCK.  OFF.) about the non stop, nine month bang-a-thon that has become the 2010 Phillies.

It is not too far of a stretch to assume that perhaps Cole has sexually wronged one of his cohorts (EDITOR’S NOTE: See this is what I’m talking about). Sure, Jayson Werth seducing Chase Utley’s lady was entirely false, but if my college days taught me anything, it’s that sex can happen at any time and for any reason (EDITOR’S NOTE:  Uh huh). 25 guys, 25 wives and girlfriends, and forced intimacy?  Come on.  This stuff writes itself.  But thankfully it actually doesn’t, or this blog wouldn’t exist.

Why else would the Phils want to screw Cole out of his wins?  Well, let’s take a look at 2009, when things weren’t as hardy-har-har.  Cole was throwing his arms in the air.  He was mouthing curse words.  Children who came to see him were forced to tears as their hero de-evolved into a tantrum-throwing roustabout.

Maybe this is the way the Phillies are teaching him: Don’t push us.  We won’t push you.

Nah, the sex thing is better.

2.  The Phillies Play to Lose Every Fifth Game

Baseball, like bowling, is a surprisingly tiring game.  People will tell you half of it is standing around, but they are clearly and tragically misinformed.  Way more than half of baseball is standing around, and that’s when rapid fire guys like Roy Halladay are on the mound.  You stick the methodical pace of a Vicente Padilla out there and you’ve bought yourself standring room only tickets for a three and a half hour nap.

But it goes from March to October, and it requires peak physical condition, as well as plenty of movement.  Maybe when Cole takes the mound, the Phillies are just tired of swinging the bat.  Maybe the fact that he is on the mound has nothing to do with it, it is just the slot in the schedule when they need to take the night off.

Which is insane and insulting but probably not true but god damn can you explain to me why in hell’s teeth the Phillies can score nine runs in an inning and one whoops-se-daisy fluke in nine innings, with the main difference being that Cole Hamels was on the mound?

3.  Opposing Pitchers Are Just Better Sometimes

Here are the pitchers Cole has thrown against in games when the Phillies have provided him with only two runs or less.

  • April 18: Nate Robertson (6-8, 5.47), released by the Marlins on July 27
  • May 4:  Blake Hawksworth (4-8, 5.13)
  • May 27:  Mike Pelfrey (13-8, 3.72)
  • June 26: Shaun Marcum (11-7, 3.53)
  • July 1:  Daniel McCutchen (2-5, 5.60)
  • July 11: Matt Maloney (0-2, 3.09), sent back down to the minors until yesterday
  • July 22:  Adam Wainwright (17-9, 2.30)
  • August 7:  Johan Santana (9-6, 2.98)
  • August 13: R.A. Dickey (9-6, 2.91)
  • August 19:  Jonathan Sanchez, (9-8, 3.54)
  • August 24: Bud Norris, (6-8, 5.17)
  • September 3:  Chris Capuano (2-3, 4.62)

So.  You know.

You can excuse a Wainwright, or a Santana, or even a Dickey.  But that’s a ton of games where the Phillies offense was just a whisper, and a ton more when you consider that they are all Cole Hamels starts.

Conclusion: Sex thing.

Topics: Cole Hamels, Offense, Phillies, Shit

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  • John

    Great post, Justin. Thanks! I think it’s baseball karma coming back to bite Cole. First thing he can do? Lose the stupid hemp necklace and get a g’d’ haircut, damn hippy. Also, I think you owe your 2 dozen followers an explanation of why you moved west. We expect this blog to be your life, and that does not compute.

    • http://thatballsouttahere.com Justin

      We prospective writers are a strange breed, following the wind as it whispers in our ears “go west!” “head south!” or “kill them all!” I was offered an internship, and boy howdy, I took it.

      And you John are, as always, too kind.

  • give me a pretzel and shudup

    Try a cheese steak on a sour dough roll and you’ll know what you’re missing. So I hope the chicks with tan lines are worth selling your soul for, you’d better beg forgiveness to move back.

    I think the Phils have faced some tough pitching, come on, Capuano only lost 3 games all year!

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