Archive for September, 2010

So, with Jayson gone, we’re going to need a psychopath.

Living in Philly as a sports fan and being enthralled by the Eagles while looking past the Phillies is like starving to death at Thanksgiving dinner because, hey look, there’s a bird that keeps colliding with the kitchen window.

Anybody who can suck on a baseball is clearly a stripper named “Aquafina” in a sports-themed club who was hired solely for the diameter of her mouth.

If you thought we Phillies fans were boorish jerks before, wait until we crawl onto the internet, where we can verbally puke on people and not even get punched in the eye by a police captain.

The Phillies were jogging toward Roy on the pitcher’s mound as if pulled in by his rarely-seen smile–usually saved for big wins or when one of his kids come back with a fresh kill.

Like paper boys in the 1920′s, they ran through the streets, shrieking the news in prepubescent pitches at a public in mid-commute.

David Wright is mad at Chase Utley for taking out somebody with a take out slide.

You’re playing baseball, dude, not hunting humans in the Amazon.

Remember that time you got up to get a hot dog in Citizens Bank Park, but then you remembered it wasn’t Dollar Dog Night, and they were just going to be normal, $17 hot dogs? But by the time you’d gotten to the vendor, the crowd had exploded into cheers twice, and when you ran back the second time to see what happened, you slipped on some little kid vomit and fractured your pelvi

I am emotional, profane, and not very strategic. You should see me play Stratego. After my first casualty I just claim “nuclear bomb” and hurl the board to the floor.