No, the OTHER Seagal movie that ends in "To Kill."

We Are Seriously About to be Swept by the Astros

A full body of vengeance greeted the Astros tonight.  The Phillies had something to prove, something to beat, something to kill.

After the debacle last night that ended in Ryan Howard trying to the rip the head off a human man in front of 44,000 screaming fans, and even stranger, Raul Ibanez playing first base, it was clear the Phillies needed to put on a show that only brought back victory, be recaptured the dignity that comes with losing to the Astros.

Tonight, vengeance wasn’t hitting the showers and leaving before reporters could talk to it.  Tonight, it was going to be right there on that field, as the Phillies prove they not going to lose three out of four to the freaking Astros.

It was like after the first scene of Hard to Kill,when Steven Seagal’s family has been murdered, and the bad guys think he’s dead too.  Only now, its six years later, and he’s got a beard and a brain full of evidence–and awesome karate moves, too, that’s important–and we know that with the darkness behind him, Steven’s going to rise from the ashes of his family of corpses and slaughter every B-movie stunt man the producers could find before lunch.

Astros 3, Phillies 2

Only in this story, the one where the Phillies go after the gang from Houston who murdered their family, Steven Seagal gets riddled with henchmen bullets 20 seconds into his first fight scene, and the last 51 minutes of  the movie are of his lifeless body floating face down in a creek bed.

Well, we certainly allowed Happ and Myers to stick it to us, which… I mean with Happ, its like watching your first son beat you at something for the first time.  Part of you, sure, wants to break his neck quietly, stuff him in the basement wall, and deny you’ve ever been defeated at anything, but the majority of you just tussle his hair and tell him you’re proud.

Myers, on the other hand, is like that punk-ass white trash neighborhood kid who’s been caught trying to sell your kids really sheisty weed.  And then he breaks into your house one night and brains you with a shovel.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER YOU RUFFIAN

So these past few games have carried an undeniable sting, because as we slide slowly into a spiral, the Braves are doing the same.  The Phils are unable to close the minute gap between us, and we can all sit at our laptops or office computers, ignoring our workloads and reminders to pick up the kids from soccer, and say why we’re losing:  WE DON’T SCORE RUNS.  Also we have forgotten how to run the bases.

We just don’t.  And its not a problem with a hugely obvious solution, like “OMFG COLE HAMELS IS ON FIRE.”  The bats are there, the atlent is there, but the two aren’t combining for anything significant, and even a minor league team (surrounded by minor league umpiring) can take advantage of that.

You know things aren’t pretty when Roy Halladay can’t even trot out there with a pocketful of menacing stares, erase the Astros, and still face an “L.”  The guy’s in the running for the pitching Triple Crown for shit’s sake and we still will not score runs for him.

It doesn’t take roomful of ESPN analysts to say, “The Phillies need to score runs to make the playoffs.”  I mean, Josh Elliot could come up with that, and he’s a cyborg built from leftover pieces of Tim McCarver’s jackassery with an extra “Cocky 2.0″ program thrown in the mix for no reason.

So if somebody’s going to decapitate an umpire, just do it.  Don’t lead us on by pretending to put runners in scoring position and then doing nothing with them.  I am sick of getting blue balled out there, whether its offensively, or blood lustily, so just follow through.

Well, Kyle Kendrick’s pitching this afternoon.  So maybe just schedule all of that winning for the next day.

What the hell is Twitter?  Well, TBOH’s on it.

Image courtesy of Green Apple Tree and Action Junkie.

Tags: Astros Braves Brett Myers J.a. Happ Phillies Roy Halladay

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