Cole Hamels Gives Everything; Gets Nothing as Phils Win

Cole Hamels threw a one-hit shut out, facing only on batter more than the minimum in eight innings of professional baseball.  That ought to show you all you haters out there.  All you “2009 Cole Hamels” memory-mongers, with your hands on your hatred and your faces to the ground.

You hated that shaggy-haired pretty boy with his arms in the air and the unprofessional demeanor.  He was one of our biggest issues going into 2010, and you wouldn’t let him forget it.  Even when he showed up for Spring Training early, learning new pitches, awoken by every morning by Rich Dubee wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a flamethrower while screaming “RUNNERS ON FIRST AND THIRD, GUY AT THE PLATE IS THE NUMBER SEVEN HITTER, WHAT ARE YOU THROWING?!”

Well.  He’s one problem the Phillies haven’t had this year.

Phillies 2, Cardinals 0

But don’t worry!  There are one trillion other, more annoying problems to satisfy your daily complaint quota, Phillies fans.  For instance, why does Shane Victorino think he’s only going to get one pitch at every at bat?  He looks like a scared cat up there, frantically swiping at the first ball that comes near him, regardless of the situation or strike zone.

Also, why does the bullpen go through a shit-metamorphosis in each appearance?  Why can’t they be a bullpen that strikes out Albert Pujols with runners on every game.  Well, probably because we don’t play the Cardinals every game. Thanks, Mr. Smarty Pants.

And why, oh why, aren’t the Phillies getting hits to back up magnificent pitching performances?  There have been at least 50 (I’m estimating/rounding up/inventing that number) games this year where today happened, only we didn’t squirt out those two little runs in the 11th.  The fact that we held the mighty Cardinals to zero runs through 11 innings is sheer insanity.

So I’d like to thank the Cardinals for waiting so patiently for the Phillies to get their shit together.  It was very polite. Unlike the totally rude steamrolling they’ve delivered  for the past few days.

Cole Hamels deserves all the credit for this one, and the best part is, thanks to the rules of baseball statistics, he will not get the win.  It’s like he wasn’t even there.

No, it isn’t, but you get the point.  It is sickening having to watch these starters come out and nail a team to the wall, only to get skewered by a floundering offense who can’t stop swinging the bats like they just got them in the mail.  I don’t care if it was Adam Wainwright today.  Nine hits with zero runs is pathetic.

Meanwhile, Angels and Chisox scouts infiltrated the crowd to watch Jayson Werth do his thing.  He got his double.  I hope they were fooled.