EDITOR’S NOTE: Lead Writer Justin Klugh found out this morning the interesting, sexy internship he applied for a month ago was probably filled by someone else. Today, he seems to have let his emotions get the better of him while discussing the Phillies 12-6 loss to the Chicago Cubs last night at Wrigley Field. Let’s watch!
So, the Phillies lost. Big surprise there. What did we think was going to happen? Four straight wins before the All Star break would be the magical star dust required to turn this massive, seeping mound of gutter trash into a playoff team?
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s let Ryan Howard take care of all the offense. The rest of us will just hang out in the dugout and engage in a heated debate regarding car parts. Do you guys think the carberator is the most important part of a car, or the dipstick? Is it even either of those? I’m not sure, those are just the two parts I can recall off the top of my head.
Is it normal to get drunk at 11 am on a weekday? Just kidding, who cares about “normal.” For the Phillies, “normal” is taking whatever positive energy is left over from a win a few days ago, crumpling it up, and cramming down the toilet. But then the toilet gets clogged with all the bullshit losses from the past month and a half and suddenly your bathroom is flooded with feces as the toilet belches out disappointing, gutwrenching, wall-punching loss after loss after loss. It smells terrible. I should call my landlord.
“HEY MAN YOU’RE NOT A REAL FAN THE PHILS WILL TURN IT AROUND HARGLE BARGLE BLARG.”
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Definitely. My bad. I forgot the Phillies are losing because I’m a bad fan. Let’s all just turn this around in the opposite direction. Maybe a little hooting and hollering at th TV is called for. Maybe that’s what they need, isn’t that right, “Shane Victorino’s feelings?”
“People are quick to forget two years ago,” you say? You’re referring to your World Series victory, I suppose? You know what makes people forget things like that? Horrific suffering.
Anybody want to watch Jayson Werth pop out/strike out again? That’d be exciting. Really gets the blood pumping, like those commercials that have Charlie Manuel talking into the camera, telling people to bring their families out to CBP so that children can watch their heroes get massacred right before their eyes.
“HEY MAN I USED TO PLAY MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL AND NOW I LURK AROUND ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS MY OPINION MATTERS”
Ooooh! Excuse me for not genuflecting, your majesty! I didn’t realize the summer you spent interning for the Richmond Flying Squirrels qualified you to blow past everybody else on the way to unabashed success. Obviously, it was a worthy experience, as you now spend 80% of your day shitting your pants in the Beerleaguer forums, throwing numbers and punctuation at preteens on summer vacation. Why don’t you do something useful and track me down a bottle of Clontarf.
“It was a big game for us.” –Ryan Dempster
Oh, hell yes it was. Do you know how hard it is to beat the Phillies? So hard the Pirates did it three out of four times. And no offense to the Pirates, but the Pirates are a god awful. So congrats, Ryan. You kicked the corpse.
Ryan Howard homered twice, Jamie Moyer was set on fire by the Cubs lineup, and the sequence of Cubs at bats during “the Jose Contreras campaign of failure” in the 7th was absolutely hilarious.
“HEY WAY TO GIVE UP ON THE PHILLIES WHAT DO YOU WANT EVERY GAME TO BE A WIN”
I’m not giving up and yes I do. Now let’s all have a nice, rational Friday afternoon of stalking the mailman and stealing his bag.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Whew, that was rough. Glad we all made it through okay. It should be known that Justin’s opinions do not reflect those of anyone, even himself, merely the mood he was in this morning. Also, all of these editor’s notes are written by Justin as well.