Jamie Moyer Celebrates Endless Career With Unflattering Record

Somewhere, all of those slump-isms about bringing up Domonic Brown and watching his presence be the magical missing piece to the Phillies slump-breaking offense are still reverberating off the walls of last week.

“Its the only way!”

“Ibanez is too old!”

“It’ll shake things up!”

“The Phillies shouldn’t have traded Cliff Lee!”

And, while we like to think those days are behind us, it should be known that while Operation: Batshit never went into full effect, a whisper of Brown’s development (.318, 15 HR in Reading) was heard today as the kid jumped from Reading and their bizarre mascot to Lehigh Valley and their possibly racist one.  Yes, he’s that much closer to being a Phillie.  He’s just got be an Iron… Pig… first.

It’s a good thing.  It’s good.

Phillies 11, Blue Jays 2

Jimmy, Shane, and Benny Fresh, who are starting to sound like a trio of ’20s mob hitters, decided to go Jay-stomping this afternoon and each had three hits.  That, combined with a lead so big even Danys Baez couldn’t hand it over, led to the series finale today, where Jamie Moyer’s longevity made baseball history once again (This time it was most home runs allowed, ever).

Anyways, here are your conclusions to draw from the infamous “bullshit” G20-avoiding Blue Jays series.

Roy Halladay Will Not Be Intimidated By History

I remember reading a story in Spring Training when the Phils and Jays squared off with Doc on the mound where Vernon Wells grounded out and from the mound, Halladay said “Have a good year, V,” and Wells pretty much choked to death on his own heart from the shock.

ESPN pitched this as reunion weekend as Johan Santana met (and was subsequently battered to death by) his old Twins squad, Joe Torre was going to see the Yankees, and Roy was opening his current home to his former lover.  It could have been any other game.  Roy had gotten all the gab out of his system during the Grapefruit League.  15 years of loyal servitude?  I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of that pitch in Roy Halladay’s arsenal that involves mind control.

The Phillies Have Scored A Lot of Runs

In the last 12 games, the Phillies have averaged 6.5 runs a game (with an 8-4 record).  Sure, there were a few where we couldn’t score more than three, and there was the Boston series–which just happens to be outside of the window of games from which I chose that statistic, thankfully–were we scored four runs combined for the whole series.  But if I included things like that, the stat wouldn’t look so pretty and high.

They’ve been scoring so much that Roy Halladay actually got to win a game!  Thanks for more than two runs, offense.

Jamie Moyer Has No Respect For Baseball History

The man gives up more home runs than anybody and then, after they go out of their way to retrieve Vernon Wells’third inning blast for him as a keepsake, he says he’s probably going to give it to his dog.

Did Eric Bruntlett use the jersey in which he performed his unassisted triple play as a dish rag?  No.  And that thing’s in the baseball Hall of Fame. So don’t you tell me how you’re going to ruin this particular priceless baseball artifact.  How long have you been around this game, anyway?

“27 years,” huh?

That’s a long time.