“Hu-whooa!” Roommate hollered.
Jimmy Rollins had just dove to his right to put the brakes on a screamer up the middle. The Indian heading for home suddenly had a crosshair on his back, and Jimmy, already hearing the initial rumblings of thunderous applause for the play, reared back and fired a bullet home.
It whizzed past a bumbling Brian Schneider and hit the backstop. The run scored. Everyone sat back down and quietly returned to their helmet sundaes.
“Hoooo…” Roommate muttered.
It looked like Jimmy’s chance for a big play had expired. Oh well. We flipped back to “Sea Turtles: The Ancient Mariner.” A baby sea turtle was caught in a fishing net and struggled to break free, with its ultimate goal, the inviting waves of the warm ocean, were just several yards away. He eventually choked to death.
It was the single most depressing thing I have ever seen.
Phillies 7, Indians 6
Strange, then, that it was the same guy confused by J-Roll’s off balance throw in the 9th who fought off another Phillies loss with a single. Rickety Brian Schneider came to the plate, a bat in his hands for some reason.
“Oh yeah, Chooch is DL’d,” I informed the TV.
He popped a single and was immediately swapped out for human blur Wilson Valdez. Pinch hitter Benny Fresh, seeing the runner on first, became determined to ground into a double play. If it weren’t for the dirt-stomping legs of Valdez, he totally would have.
As Indians SS Anderson Hernandez looked up to make the flip to second, he seemed to choke on his tongue at the fact that Valdez was basically making himself at home. Russell Branyan, in a move that has yet to be legalized by Major League Baseball, somehow got Francisco out without touching the bag.
The fielder’s choice left a man on second, the ghost of Ben Francisco on first, and an offensively jilted Jimmy Rollins kicking up the dust of the batter’s box. In the words of Lenny Dykstra, “If you don’t like being up there with the game on the line, you shouldn’t be playing the game, dude.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: At no time should the words of Lenny Dykstra be taken without immediate referral to the Better Business Bureau or FTC.
Kerry Wood almost pitched a no-hitter once. Now he pitches out of the bullpen for the Cleveland Indians. Tonight, he got to watch as J-Roll flipped his bat after he was finished putting a Kerry Wood original just north of the right field foul pole.
But it wasn’t all dream sequences and pointless mocking of former Cubs pitchers. Kyle Kendrick managed to only shit out four innings of sheer terror against a lineup that is about as potent as Chad Durbin’s right hamstring (Yeah, the baseball gods crossed another Phillie off their hit list tonight).
KK, in an outing that spat in the face of his stellar previous start, took a trip to the suburbs of Baez town, where the other team is always scoring and the ERA rarely drops below 5. Kendrick gave up 6 hits and five earned runs in his 4 innings, letting Shin-Soo Choo homer off him twice and striking out one guy who probably felt ridiculous.
This meant that the bullpen was going to get a chance to dance, and dance they did, with varying degrees of groove.
First, David Herndon came in and immediately made things interesting, but got out of the inning with a play at the plate courtesy of the arm of Raul Ibanez. It was a very dumb play, yes.
Mike Zagurski trotted out next, who, despite a galaxy of fat jokes behind him, managed to record a strike out and didn’t allow anymore runs. In fact, out of the next three pitchers the Phils used–Baez, Durbin, and Romero–only one run was allowed. And it wasn’t even Baez who allowed it (It was Durbin).
We are prospectively looking at our first sweep since the Brewers in mid-May. We could certainly use momentum (Werth went 3-for-3 with a home run tonight! Squeal!) built from victories against weaker teams to steamroll into some important upcoming games. If only we could solidify the collecting of insurance runs.
But, in the words of Lenny Dykstra, “Everybody hates their insurance companies.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Come on.