Backed by Promising New Shortstop, Jamie Moyer Fights Off Indians

So I was choking down yet another bowl of instant spaghetti when about 30 things happened regarding the Phillies yesterday afternoon.

1.  J-Roll is back.

Phillies Nation threw up some Jimmy Rollins + the Phillies stats after this news.  You know what the best thing to do with a recovering injury is?  Don’t put a lot of weight on it.  So, let’s all make a note not to heave our collective despairs of the past few months on Jimmy’s back and assume he’ll take us to the Promised Land.

Yeah, I’ve already done it too.

2.  Chooch is gone.

Now who is going to eat all the ice cream?!  See #4.

3.  Greb Dobbs has been jettisoned into outer space.

Wha… what?!  But what if me and the Phillies wind up on a time traveling adventure back to 2007-08?!  Who will be the best hitter in baseball?!  What do you mean that’s highly unlikely?  I guess I’m the only one who hasn’t given up on my 7th grade dream journal.

4.  Mike Zagurski recalled

It took maybe two minutes, but certainly less than three, for the fat jokes to come raining from the skies.  And yes, they are hilarious.  And yes, it is because he is fat.  And YES, when he fields the ball he looks like a tractor trailer trying to swallow a bird.  We need a second lefty.

5.  Oh shit I dropped all this pasta on my keyboard.

Its a huge mess.

Phillies 2, Indians 1

They say there are many ways to kill a man, unless he is in fact, unkillable.  Even with the second most home runs ever surrendered by a pitcher, Jamie Moyer escaped last night with both his life and a win.  He’s also 36th on the all-time wins list, so, you know.  Stick around long enough.

“…he flat-out toyed with us,” Indians manager Manny Acta said.

Jamie went eight innings–eight–notching five strikeouts and two earned runs.  Then he left to go drink the blood of an infant and absorb its life force.

Then it was Brad Lidge time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, that does not mean the Indians scored four runs.  No, “Lights Out” was lights out for what felt like the first time since people have been leaving lights on.  Strolling in from the pen, he ended the game with a couple of exclamation point K’s.

As run support, the newly un-DL’d Jimmy Rollins did nothing, but on the field he made a couple of plays that made made some of the more zealous fans want to hope the barrier and give him a hug.

The Phillies managed to scare up some runs in the first inning, then quickly held a meeting in the dugout and decided not to do anything else for the rest of the night.  Had it not been for Russell Branyan RBI-ing himself, they would not have been contested even once.

They called it a “pitcher’s duel.” It was just shitty offense.

I’ll give credit where credit’s due, sure.  It’s not like Moyer pitched poorly.  I’m just saying, who the hell is Mitch Talbot? And we’d have to be strait jacket delusional to think that the Phils weren’t capable of no hitting the ball when they need to.

Yesterday, it was reported that one of the Phillies’ defenses against the offensive questions was that they were playing great teams–which opens a whole new line of questioning, but whatever.  Now we’re not, so the excuses are even fewer and further between.  Hopefully, an Indians series means that whether showing up or not has no outcome on the game.  Which is disgusting, but at this point, true.