The Phillies Are a Bunch of Injury-Riddled, Series-Moving Cheaters, Damn It

“That’s just bullshit.”

Those are the words of born-again Christian Jeff Francoeur, hearing that the Phillies will get three more home games after the series with the Blue Jays was relocated due to the G20 climate summit in Toronto.

But do not despair, Jeffrey, for as the Bible says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

What?  That’s written on your batting gloves?

… oh.

No, I don’t want to see your Apocalypse survival kit.

Rockies 4, Phillies 3

Shhhh…

If we watch closely, and from a safe distance, we seem to have upon a rather rare state in nature:  Roy Halladay starting and not getting the win.  Now, try not to attract attention to yourself, because if spotted, there’s a good chance he’ll stare at you with such intensity, you brain will pop like a rat on the subway tracks.  And it’d be hard to follow Jamie Moyer’s start in game two with a head full of skull-chips.

The Rockies hit Doc enough to beat us, with Mike Olivo walkoff in the 10th sealing the deal off Chad Durbin’s first pitch in relief.  Which sort of donates to the theory that you can depend on everyone and no one in the Phillies bullpen.

A shit-fit blew into town today, with the precursor of today’s double header being ascusations that the Phillies are stealing sig–

*Charlie Manuel kicks down my apartment door*

“We were not trying to steal signs.  Would we try to steal somebody’s signs? Yeah, if we can. But we don’t do that. We’re not going to let a guy stand up there in the bullpen with binoculars looking in. We’re smarter than that.”

“No, I was just saying that–”

“Somebody maybe ought to check the Mets if they did that.  Their [can't say that!] home record is out of this world and they’re losing on the road. Sometimes that’s a good indicator of getting signs and [things!]. I see somebody setting there at (14-7) at home and (4-8) on the road, I’d get concerned about that. That kind of crosses my mind.”

Philadelphia Phillies Charlie Manuel in Washington

"And you have a shitty apartment."

Then, we had Jeffy Francoeur’s little outburst above, calling out MLB for giving us the massive advantage of three more home games.  I don’t see why that’s unfair.  What is so unfair about making it easier for us to steal signs?  Calm down.  As usual, we have to lean on Rod Barajas for support.  He’s really been our rock through all this.

“I’m not going to sit here and say it’s wrong that they’re doing that. Hey, if they’re able to do it, by relaying a sign with a runner on second base, why wouldn’t you, why wouldn’t you do that? It’s gonna be a big advantage.”

Thank you, Rod.  You’ve always been good to us.  Except when, you know.  We needed you to play baseball half-decently.

Speaking of bad luck with catchers, Carlos Ruiz was last seen limping off the field with what must have felt like a severe thunder storm in his brain.  Guy’s having the best season of his life and goes down with a horn-honk of an injury.  That’s Mets-esque bad luck, and given earlier the comments of–devout Christian, remember–Jeff Francoeur, nobody could be happier than our third place, two eye lashes over .500 rivals.

Chooch remains day-to-day.  He was hitting… well, you know.  He was torching the damn ball.  Shame.  And Schneider’s on the 15 day DL, too, putting a lot of Pressure on Paul Hoover and… someone… else.

Is Jeff Francoeur the most annoying Met because his name is the most annoying to type?  I mean he–

“I’m not accusing them, but you look at that and — damn.”

Shit! Charlie, are you still here?!

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Tags: Carlos Ruiz Charlie Manuel Chooch G20 Summit Jeff Francoeur Mets Suck Roy Halladay Toronto Blue Jays

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