Wait a second, wait a second--I'M Ross Gload?!

Carlos Ruiz Hits Everything, Aware of What Month It Is

“Who is that?” asked mom’s, half-asleep dad’s, and casual Phillies fans across the Delaware Valley last night.  “That’s not the handsome one, or the big guy, or the skinny kid, or the hatchet murderer.  Who is it?”

And before anyone could laugh and say, “Why, that’s Carl Yastrzemski Award winner Ross Gload.  You better show him some respect, bitch,” Ross fired a laser beam over the right field wall, silencing the Colorado audience before him with a three-run shot.

Just like that, the land of the eternal permafrost was deep in a frigid, dark silence as Gload circled the bases for the first time this year.  His casual trot over each of the bags was a second-string reminder of this team’s philosophy:

“Everybody hits.  Even Ross freaking Gload.”

I think they had it embroidered on some jackets.

Phillies 9, Rockies 5

Not even Kyle Kendrick’s medicore-est efforts could bleed us to death last night, which was refreshing, given his innate ability to do so in past appearances.  And I just took a break not even halfway through this post to play “Power Rangers” for Super Nintendo, so I know a little something about mediocre efforts.

Oh, I can hear you already.  “What are you, already forgetting about his outstanding night against the Cardinals?  Is your memory that short, you ungrateful sack of crap?”

Absolutely not, voice in my head.  But, like any man, I prefer a long term, committed relationship with my starting pitchers, rather than a single night of lustful, unbridled, spit-in-the-face-of-god passion.  So, yes, when I saw Kendrick still out there in the sixth after already letting four runs across, I pointed at him wordlessly.

My desire to keep the weight off the bullpen and the pitch count being on its way up had collided and ended in a weirdly-arranged silence.  But I must say, Kendrick wound up not even striking 100 pitches in six innings, in a game where he wasn’t hurling his best work, so you’ve got to give the guy some credit.

*Credit given*

After his start against St. Louis (7 IP, 6 H, 0 ER, 3 K, 2 BB), his next start (6 IP, 8 H, 4 ER, 1 K, 2 BB) would be a good indicator of just how consistent Kyle could be.  The answer is “not exceptionally.”  It is just one start, but when you see one version against a powerful St. Louis lineup and another against an accident-prone Colorado lineup–I don’t know, I guess I’m just sick of the question marks.

We sprinted away with the win, so I can swallow my complaints and force them down to the pit in my guts where all the dark thoughts live, and then channel them into unrestrained rage while playing video games from two decades ago.

Speaking of–well, nothing really, but Carlos Ruiz?  He’s so hot right now that Charlie Manuel doesn’t even want anybody to talk about it.

“Just leave him alone and let him hit.”


Chooch has a six-game hitting streak, going 4-for-4 last night, knocking in a bunch of runs and hitting a billion HR’s. You can tell when my statistical accuracy sort of hits a wall.

It’s long been wondered why the Chooch we’ve seen in the post season doesn’t rear his offensive head before the chilled blusterings of the fall are upon us.  Apparently, he’s been curious about the same thing.

“I’m taking the same approach I have in the playoffs. I’m working every day, and right now it’s going pretty good.”

MLB 2010 - Phillies beat Rockies 9-5

"But Charlie told me to tell you that if anybody asks, none of this is happening."

With the Phillies suffering a series of pulls, strains, spasms, explosions, and gorings, Chooch couldn’t pick a better time to become a nightmare to opposing pitching.  A heavy bat at the end of the lineup is a hefty little counter balance to whatever Wilson Valdez wants to spit onto the infield.

An enviable start to the road trip, after not letting anybody come into our house and rough us up much.  I mean, who are we?  The Bruins?

Stop pretending to be so cool and follow TBOH on Twitter.

Tags: Carlos Ruiz Colorado Rockies Kyle Kendrick Philadelphia Phillies Playoffs Power Rangers Ross Gload Snes

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