Phillies Fans Forced to be Enraged by Alternatives to Baseball in Awesome Mets Massacre


What happened to the phils. Is it really 9-1 mets”

“Who the hell was pitching?  Lidge?”

It was like getting text messages in the wake of a massive environmental disaster.  Who could have predicted that Brad Lidge’s first batter in 2010 would hit a home run?  Probably, like, a child.  Most children, I think.

Then, as is his custom, Roy Halladay showed up today and attacked the Mets so hard they could be on “I Survived…” in an episode of “10 Run Deficit”-themed stories. Which begs the question, when one awful thing happens, and then almost immediately afterwards, one sensational thing happens, do they cancel each other out?

The answer, of course, is meaningless, because the incalculable X factor is Roy Halladay’s pitching, which is at the point where all box scores of a team’s loss to Doc should be marked with an asterisk to note  *But Roy Halladay was pitching just to save a few shreds of dignity.

It was like his response to getting hit by the Mets was to just get better, instantly, right in front of everyone.  When it looked like he was about to be at his most flustered, he just went into lockdown, struck out the entire world, and probably blacked out a little, coming to in the locker room with a cluster of reporter’s microphones in his face.

He saw an oncoming problem and just… got better than it.  It seems as though Roy Halladays have been sprouting out of the snowy peaks of Denver for thousands of years and instinctively raising their skill levels with their minds when needed, like a clutch of baby sea turtles hauling ass from their eggs to the ocean… when you think about it, half of baseball is just trying not to get eaten by sea gulls.

The other half is, as we all know, constant monitoring of body parts so as to prevent pointless injuries.  In fact, players are contractually obligated to sign an agreement before a team will put them in a roster spot:

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BODY MONITORING RECORD

You are required to answer every inquiry with exhaustive detailing.  It is for your own protection.  Please review the following issues:

1.  Is my foot currently (or considering) kicking a chair?  Y or N

Thank you for taking part in this process.  We are all working to make MLB a safer work environment for all staff.

Please sign and date for record purposes.

______________________________  on _______________

There’s a blank one of these forms sitting in Ryan Madson’s locker, now, and sure, he probably didn’t think about it.  And lo and behold, look what happened to Mr. “I’m So Mad I’m Going to Disable Myself for 15 Days.”

In a season when the injuries are stopping by without calling first, I’m not sure if inviting them into our home is a fantastic strategy.

Phillies-Mets, 8:05 pm, Citizens Bank Park

Have you seen the numbers for the Moyer-Santana matchup?  Chase and Raul can’t hit Santana, but Placido can; and David Wright can hit Moyer.

Moyer’s no Met-killer, but you want to pin a star to his uniform anyway, just because its still early enough to find his scrappiness a good counter weight to any pitching difficulties.  However, we could be upon the threshold.  The Mets are trying to inform the world that they aren’t just a pile of bones this year, and that they are ready to make this rivalry more of a tense battle and less like trapping a cat under a tin trash can and banging on it with a wooden spoon.

So, Jamie’s campaign for a starter’s job and to just get some damn respect for once has brought him to tomorrow. Nothing would solidify some confidence like a series win against a hated division rival and a first place spot.

Though it can’t be good news that two of our struggling names are facing a pitcher specific to their personal downfall, it was nice to see a roaring sign of life today from the offense.  A lot has come to surface in this series (like a corpse) and everybody’s been talking about money lately, from Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth to an anonymous man who works for some other team. It may be time to put thoughts and possible future nightmares aside in order to get to the hard part of the “win NOW” equation:  the winning.

If only for the sake of re-establishing trust with the rest of the clubhouse chairs.  After this and the tragic fallout of the “Jayson Werth’s Helmet” fiasco, everybody’s been pretty on edge.

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Tags: Broken Toe Jamie Moyer Jayson Werth Johann Santana Roy Halladay Ryan Madson