One of the many Phillies fans in attendance Wednesday night was a young blonde girl, maybe fourteen years old, obviously going to be extremely attractive one day. What back in the Delaware Valley we used to call a draft pick. She had on a Ryan Howard jersey, an extremely short red-and-white-crisscrossed shorts, and carried a sign that said, “Ryan Howard is the best, RH for MVP!” And all I could think about was the kind of panicky sweat that must be accumulating in the crack of the ass of her father as he contemplates the approach of her womanhood. Bad times.

Of course, this ignores the reality that in all probability she hasn’t seen her father in six years, because he’s living on a houseboat off the Gulf Coast of Florida.