"For I am Astrostar, Ruler of all that is Defeated!"

Phillies Success Continues Against Record-Settingly Awful Astros

The Astros are an endangered species right now.  They’re the last winless team in baseball.  But instead of being cradled in the arms of Greenpeace reps or grown in a controllable environment, they’re out there playing baseball.

Well, this is what happens.

It is like walking the woods and stumbling upon a unicorn.  But then it keeps running into trees and taunting mountain lions.

Phillies 9, Astros 6

Well, that’s the worst Astros squad in 27 years.  Officially.  You don’t even have to be on the team to be embarrassed, though.  And even pretending to be time travelers didn’t help.

Ryan Howard tore through Houston like a bear through a camp site.  When he wasn’t torching balls over the wall, he was stretching his massive frame to its limit to spear a “moving” line drive out of the air at first.

Ex-Phillies made a night of it though, and watching Jason Michaels knock in Michael Bourn was a yearbook experience of sorts.  At least we didn’t see Brett Myers cursing up a twister with a prattling, bizarre series of vulgarities.

Jamie Moyer started, and he went longer than Cole Hamels and Kyle Kendrick did.  But a glance at the evening post-game shows how he can yank you back and forth across the picket line.

He:

  • went six innings!
  • gave up five runs and two home runs.
  • had a base hit!
  • didn’t strike anybody out.

I need to see a starter other than Halladay who can throw well for seven innings before I relax.  Jamie Moyer got the closest.  He he’s had more surgery than anybody else in the past six months than they probably have in their lives.  Of course, I don’t know that.  And I’m not going to look it up.

Phils-Astros, 2:05, Minute Maid Park

Of course, I thought we could sweep the Nationals, so god help us if I make some sort of prediction or assumption here. I’m honestly just pleased the gap in the 2nd Base Chase has closed to a significant range.

But if Roy Halladay can cut through the Nationals like a hot knife through the Nationals, he can apparently do it twice to the Houston Astros.  So, despite what you read 11-12 seconds ago, I’m going to go ahead and predict the A-OK.  Roy Oswalt is the Ace-stro (hilarious, me), but it its a duel you’re looking for, Roy obviously has him beat.  Besides, the Phillies have yet to play a game with year without double-digit hits and have racked up 41 runs in five games, giving them an average of.. over… 8…. (Attempts math, nose begins to bleed).

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Tags: Houston Astros Jamie Moyer Roy Halladay Roy Oswalt Ryan Howard Terrible Unicorns

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