Maybe you’ve heard about the incident in which Phillippe Aumont popped the cork on a frenzy of fists and rage in the locker room after a particularly frustrating loss in the minors. But I hadn’t.
Fortunately, like a testifying murderer, Aumont provided a perfectly feasbile explanation: “I lost my mind.”
Aumont continued, as his attorney waved his arms wildly in the air, mouthing the word “NO” repeatedly, and eventually laid his head down on his desk, realizing that the case was decidedly lost, no matter how many “surprise witnesses” he found in the lobby.
“I lost it completely. I barely remember anything because I just completely lost it.”
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how could he have comitted the crime if he doesn’t recall it? And he doesn’t recall it, because he was too crazy. These are the facts of the case, and they cannot be disputed. Your Honor, the defense rests.”
*Sits down with a confident smile as the jury exchanges confused looks.*
So here we have a young pitcher in the Phillies organization who, when he’s given reason to, gets so angry that he black out and starts punching. Whatever’s in front of him just happens to be the victim, so I think the real victory here is that the locker wasn’t a reporter or a bat boy or somebody’s wife. Right, Brett Myers?
Did I mention Aumont is 6′ 7″, 225 lbs.? That’s three inches shorter than Randy Johnson, who everybody admired, but also everybody liked that despite being huge, he didn’t have white-hot, seething, fist-swinging rage lying just below the surface.
In Aumont’s defense, he had just been thrashed around for a 17-4 loss.
“When something gets you real bad and you have a hard time controlling yourself, that’s what happened. I just started hitting my locker.”
I feel bad for the lockers of Phillippe Aumont’s life. He’s apparently been leaving fist-sized dents in them for years, rationalizing it as “That’s what happens.” Well, damage was incurred on his end, too, and the probably-fun-to-watch outburst broke his non-pitching hand. If nothing else, pain is a powerful detractor for losing it in such a way further along in his career.
“I didn’t feel it at the time.”
H… He didn’t even… Jesus…
So, to review, Aumont started punching with reckless abandon, doesn’t remember it happening at all, and also did not feel it as the bones in hand broke. And he is a human giant. Phillippe may be getting some pretty wide berth in the Phils clubhouse. At least Brett Myers won’t be there to try and pull a hilarious prank on the young blood, only to wind up with his face embedded in the drywall.
Speaking of blood, Charlie Manuel claims the Phillies will be “going for the jugular” in their March 4 scrimmage against the Florida Seminoles.
“Wh… what?” asked a quivering Florida Seminoles baseball team, as Jayson Werth and his murderous beard menacingly sharpened a set of Freddy Krueger gloves nearby.