Jamie Moyer is One Hot Piece of Ass
By Justin Klugh
UPDATE 2/17:
“Because my age is in front of my name, and because that’s all some people talk about—’He’s not supposed to be doing this’—that kind of fuels the fire. Not to be disrespectful to people, but I want to show you that I can.”
–Jamie Moyer
CONCLUSION: Yup. Dude’s a registered bad-ass.
There are three brands of Phillies stories right now.
1. THE TOP FIVE QUESTIONS THE PHILLIES HAVE GOING INTO SPRING TRAINING ARE THE FOLLOWING: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
Oh, gosh. What could they be? I’m not even going to list them because you probably are doing it subconsciously right now anyway.
2. OH MAN WHY DIDN’T WE KEEP CLIFF LEE, SHIT
Just. Stop.
3. JAMIE MOYER IS REALLY OLD
Apparently right around Valentine’s Day is some sort of holiday where every newspaper and blog does a thing on Jamie Moyer. There was suddenly a collection of pieces regarding the 47-year-old’s intentions to return despite a tumultuous offseason of shit.
“He’s old!” they shout. “He could retire! Or shouldn’t he?! Whoa-ho! Let’s read on.”
Here’s a smattering of quotes from the thoughts colliding out there in the blogosphere/newspapers:
“Old Man Moyer won’t call it a day.”
Least. Subtle. Nickname. Ever. I know, I know, they think they’re being endearing. But I wouldn’t want my “endearing nickname” to invoke images of a warped geezer warning sexy teenagers on spring break about the curse of old Jezebel Manor; who still has all of his teeth, but only because they’re in his pockets.
“It was looking like Moyer would be left off the postseason roster until he tore multiple muscles late in the season.”
At which point, for some reason, the Phillies placed him back on the postseason roster, only to watch him scream in agony as said muscles were ripped in half like the chick at the end of The Hitcher. The Phillies’ medical staff response was to shrug and shake their heads.
“Oh, did he say it was torn? Ha, ha. Our bad. OUR BAD, JAMIE! GO GRAB SOME REST.”
At 47, Moyer Eager for a Fresh Start
Okay, I don’t hate this for a headline. It’s got that nice little contrast, telling us his advancement in age, but counterbalancing the number with the declaration of Moyer’s intent to keep on playing. Very nice, Inquirer.
“But despite the health scares, despite losing his job in the starting rotation in August, and despite being 47 years old, Moyer is not ready to consider retiring.”
You know on “The Office,” where Jim plays those hilarious pranks on Dwight because Dwight’s a weirdo? And we all laughed and laughed along with Jim and Pam as Dwight found his desk in the bathroom or thought the coffee was poisoned? And then remember how they did an episode where Michael read all of Jim’s pranks out loud, in a row, in front of Dwight, and it seemed more like Jim was a mean little douche who got away with being charming because of his innate talent of growing his hair past his ears? And hearing all of his pranks listed systematically in a row sort of made you feel terrible for accepting them as funny in the first place?
Hmmm.
“Moyer flew north Nov. 24 and was told by team medical staff that he had an abscess in his left groin.”
BALLSY TUESDAY MORNING CHALLENGE: Google image search the term “abscess in his left groin” and don’t sit in your computer chair shouting “EWWW” for fifteen minutes. Good luck. I’m already late for work. Bonus points if you don’t think “Wow, why did I just do that?”
“Back in 2008, Jamie Moyer was old reliable. But last season, he was old and fragile.”
Dude. That’s not even clever.
“After winning 16 games and a World Series with the Phils in ’08, all the mileage on his 47-year-old body finally caught up to the 23-year veteran.”
Ha ha! Like Jamie Moyer’s a guy who’s been denying himself the aging process. Ever see that billboard for his alma mater, St. Joe’s, where it’s just his giant, stern, Jamie Moyer, “I’m-gonna-get-you,” look, penetrating your commute down the Schuylkill? Yeah. That wasn’t no skin cream ad.
“He should have enough left in the tank to pitch past 2010 if he wants to.”
Okay, hope springs eternal, RotoTimes.com! They apparently haven’t been reading the laundry list of blood infections, loss of appetite, and groin… stuff… that the rest of these journalists are firing away. Then again, RotoTimes takes his stats into affect, instead of capitalizing on the shock value of the sheer volume of medical issues Jamie’s faced in this offseason… which the man himself is merely referring to as “trying.”
Wait a second… is Jamie Moyer a bad-ass?
“… Moyer not only is still cranking it up for the 2010 season, he’s not willing to say it will be his last, even though it’s the final year of his contract with the Phillies.”
WOW, I totally forgot that part of all this. He’s in his last year of the contract he signed while the cavemen were discovering fire (had to get one in there, this is TBOH). Honestly, in perusing the internet from Jamie Moyer article to Jamie Moyer Article, I found out more than ever about the medical issues and their side effects he was sidled with this winter, and it’s borderline disgusting. And he still wants to pitch, and not complain. And his contract is all but up? Clearly, the Jamoe Moyer philosophy is “I’m just trying to play.” For that, yeah. Dude’s a bad-ass.
But I remember his starts this past year, and I remember why they moved him to the bullpen: he was getting lit up. Early and often. And that was before he had the offseason from hell; exposing our “frightened cat” of a bullpen far too early on some days, and forcing us to depend on them to finish out the last 5-6 innings of a game, and, well… you ever seen a frightened cat try to pitch that long? It’s stupid. And weird. And… hissy.
Hey, look! Some thoughts of mine! Shhh, quiet. You’ll scare them off. And they bumped me up to #2 under Gallen! I’m assuming it’s a ranking system. Which it most definitely is not.