Ah, the northeast. It’s not like the stale, dry south or the soggy bottom Pacific Northwest. No, up here we face both sweltering humidity in the summer and relentless, son-of-a-bitching snowfall. And today, we’re in it even deeper than ever. It’s not magical or pleasant or relaxing; it’s a layer of filthy, blackened, polluted sewage, falling from the sky. It has started to feel like the tactics only a Apocalyptic horseman could be capable of.
So, we deal with it as best we can. Roommate and I had a bottle of whiskey and a streaming Knicks game on Friday. Three hours, too many shots, and a horrible slice of Knicks basketball later, we also had the outline for a new NBA franchise called the Fargo Time Machines. Their mascot was a mad scientist named Professor T. Tock. Their star player was Bob “The Clockstopper” Woogus.
The halftime show was a dance routine featuring characters from all across time: George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Attila the Hun, Constantine, Jesus, Alien from Alien, the Predator from Predator, an astronaut, a dragon, a caveman, a stegosaurus, and Bono with an iPod. But then Professor Tock comes in with an assault rifle and blows them all away because their very presence in our time could shatter all of time itself.
Speaking of the Pacific Northwest (was I?), Cliff Lee’s going under the knife?! Yes, I know this is barely news, but there’s not whole lot going on out there. Nothing would put an end to this unending Cliff Lee aftershock that no Phillies writer can avoid writing about like him getting sidelined by surgery. Of course, its just to remove a bone spur from his foot and he’ll just miss 2-3 weeks, so more than likely it will be inconsequential.
Like I said. Barely news.
- Went to the Flyers-Devils game last night. Pretty standard fare, until Jeff Carter put his shoulder through Anssi Salmela’s face. It looked like somebody dumped a trash can full of tomato soup on the ice.
- Hal Bodley opens his latest slice of brilliance: “Jack Zduriencik reminds me of a movie star discovered in a Hollywood drug store who goes on to win an Academy Award.” What a coincidence! Hal Bodley reminds me of a confused old man asked to leave a drug store for following the employees around, who he thinks are movie stars. Yes, now I am just being mean for no reason. Hangovers do that to you.