There’s a guy who stands outside Citizens Bank Park and plays the trombone before and after Phillies games. When we win, he plays “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” “Eye of the Tiger,” or lately, Michael Jackson’s greatest hits.
The thing is, when we lose, he does the EXACT SAME GOD DAMN THING, only there are a lot less quarters in his trombone case.
Dude’s not making subway fare tonight.
Brad Penny thought long and hard and decided to show up tonight, containing us to five hits and making J.A. Happ look bad, a feat not easily done. My increasingly desperate Tweets were indicative of a night spent grinding my teeth in front of the television well my roommate kept asking me when he’d be able to watch “Mad Men.”
“As soon as we win this game!” I responded. ”Then you’ll get your precious look at the emotionally damaged world of a ’60s advertising agency and the charming seductions of Don Draper!!”
But, that’s what you get for living with a Yankees fan.
If Penny is really making a return to form, than the combination of him, Tim Lincecum, and Matt Cain, is like playing against a world-ending super computer wearing a baseball hat.
But, you can’t pin a medal on the guy when the Phillies failed to produce runs. Again.
Scoring one run in the last two games, it would be pretty simply to start pointing fingers (GOD DAMN IT RAUL WHERE IS YOUR MAGIC), but there is nobody in that lineup that isn’t to blame.
I finally retreated to my room to finish watching the game on ESPN’s Gamecast while the dickish snotterings of Pete Campbell came wafting in from the living room.
Brad Penny was the Pete Campbell of the game tonight.
Campbell is a character on Mad Men who is snarky, obnoxious, sexist, cowardly, conniving, weasely, nosy, materialistic, and his mouth is merely a dam holding back a river of bullshit.
Whoa, now! That is quite a load of insults to hurl at poor Brad Penny, who was just doing his job. Besides, didn’t I just say the Phillies are more at fault for this game?
Yeah, but, Penny was in the middle of a down slide, then stuck his head in here with a new agency, started working through the lineup like he’d been fantastic all season, probably real proud of himself…
All right, so Campbell’s a trillion times worse. But in watching the game and the show tonight, the same emotions were evoked by both these guys.
LET’S GET SOME RUNS, GUYS.
I’ve said my peace. I just hope somebody gave trombone guy a ride home.
UPDATE: Spellcheck informed me I used three made up words in tonight’s post. Guess which ones!
Image courtesy of http://images.nymag.com